M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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