so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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