dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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