Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
