I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
