i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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