apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
