All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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