i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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