He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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