Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
FUCK WHALES
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize