you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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