you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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