Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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