I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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