Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
