Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
