I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
