Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
