I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
