we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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