i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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