Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
