there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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