I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I need to calm my uterus...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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