I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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