ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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