I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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