I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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