two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
