I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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