i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Acid is not a monday night drug
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
