Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
