i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
