Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
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