Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
