I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
