if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
