the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
