Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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