and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
