i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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