By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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