seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
