what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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