I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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