I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
