I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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