She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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