he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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