Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
