So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
