I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
