everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
