your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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