The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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