Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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