you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize